Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
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I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
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On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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