i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize