You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
