Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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