I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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