dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
