Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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