she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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