you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
