My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
