when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
