Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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