grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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