Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
