Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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