Sry I called you an 8
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
