He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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