She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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