i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
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Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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