Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
