walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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