No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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