She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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