I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
