I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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