i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
