god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
