just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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