Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
