I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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