No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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