she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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