I cannot find my penis.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
