shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
