bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
