I didn't shave. On purpose
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
