I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I need moral support for this bender
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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