the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
