Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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