I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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