There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
