does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
