Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
