You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
