Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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