i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
