My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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