What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i believe in u and ur pee
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
