I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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