sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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