FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Houston, we have a squirter
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
