My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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