I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
