And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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