Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
