did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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