I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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