Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
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