went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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