Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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